updates.

And so it begins. Another story, this one attempted in an entirely different, far too public forum. I am a writer by blood. By this I mean that I am a reluctant writer, and it took almost 10 years of people telling me that I was a writer for me to acknowledge it myself. This summer, I have ended up on the most peculiar journey, possibly my last solo trek in life. 

I am twenty years old, I am a writer. I am an outdoorswoman. I recently completed a summer living in Yellowstone National Park.

Yellowstone has been one of my favorite places since the first time I visited it, five years ago. A year later, I was sixteen, and my family made a return trip. I knew then that I wanted to work here, to live here. I was devastated to find out that you had to be 18 to live here, but it worked out for the better. I ended up going to work at my ABSOLUTE favorite place in the world, where I fell in love with my best friend. A summer camp called Camp Pioneer. That is another story though, for another day.

I am glad that I came here. For the first time in a very long time, I have started on an adventure entirely alone. Even when I moved from Oregon to Vermont two years ago to start school, my parents moved me in to my dorms, and I had met a few people as a prosepective student the previous March, so I wasn't wandering around like a puppy dog.

Being alone is hard for me. To be fair, i have been "alone" for a year and a half, single and free. But I still had my closest friends, so I never really felt alone. I was happy for the first time in years. I had been in a relationship consistantly since I was 15. With different people, but never really on my own. At nineteen/twenty, this was a healthy time for me to be self-sufficient. 

I had been truely in love only once in my life, and the boy I loved and I had split up before my move to Vermont. We had been in love since we were 16, and both of us subconciously knew that we needed to separate. When we did, we both tried to be with other people...and to emulate the relationship we had shared with those people, and failed miserably. In March of this year, we gave up the futile fight to be a part, and now, we are blissfully happy together again. Things have fallen into place quite nicely.

My summer at Yellowstone was not what I had expected. 

Do not mistake me, it was magestic. I will attest, quite firmly, that Yellowstone is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been in my life. The countless hours I was able to spend in the backcountry completely altered my view of Yellowstone. I knew it was...amazing, but I never knew it could be like that. So perfect. The little lakes and perfect peaks...it was easily the most epic summer of my life.

Conversly, it was one of the most socially exhausting summers of my adult life. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by republicans. I got very lucky with my roommate, Chennery, who was this amazing liberal girl from Colorado, who goes to UPenn. Most of the people in our building were conservative republicans from the deep South, which  is not something I know how to deal with. I'm an Oregonian. Republicanism is not a part of my daily life.

I am back in Oregon now, and pleased to be here. It is summer and overcast, and I am home. I am sitting in Tanner's living room, as he is off at work. We are preparing for an epic move to the East coast. We have signed a lease on an apartment, we have slept quite nicely in a twin bed for the last three nights. 

I am so excited to start our life together, and to be back in civilization so I can write in my blog and such.

I'll be posting more regularly henceforth.

Lots of Love, 

Candy

I am totally falling in love with Tanner again.
and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing for me.
but I'm pretty sure that...on a scale from one to ten,
I've made far worse choices.

I need a chance to separate myself from the situation,
to think about it rationally...
but I have yet to find a way to rationally think about Tanner.
I don't think I ever have.
I've really missed him.

I'll be home for Easter, then I guess we'll talk.
:]

i think i might love the Jonas Brothers.

i am sick and it sucks.
i want to go to ireland.
i want to not be broke all the time.

this "poor college kid" kick is really getting old.

an excerpt from Natalie Dee, love of my life.

the following was posted in Natalie Dee's blog on February 10th. I like it and agree with it, so I'm posting it here for your enjoyment.

ASK NATALIE

Q: Where I come from, everyone thinks I'm a whore. And they're pretty much right. My reputation has gone to shit. I do regret what I've done in the past. I was young and stupid. What do you do to fix a reputation like this? I'm in a happy relationship now and I'm planning on never whoring around again. Is my reputation totally down the drain or is there something I could do so people will know I've made a conscious effort to change myself?

A: First off, you're not a whore. You weren't making scratch. Perhaps you were behaving in a slutty manner, but calling yourself a whore is a bit much.

Moving on... It's not anyone else's business what you do in your spare time. If you are not fucking someone, it is not their business who you actually are fucking. As long as you are wrapping it up, and not fucking around on someone you're in a relationship with (or who is a relationship with someone else), who cares. Nobody is talking shit about the dudes you were sleeping with being whores, are they? Acting like people being nosy and judgmental bothers you only makes them keep doing it. Hold your head high and don't let what people say about you behind your back bother you, and they will stop once their shaming doesn't hit the mark.

If people give you shit, a simple "my sex life is none of your motherfucking business" works really well. Everyone knows it's not their business. If they get nosy and you act like you care, it makes them think you are seeking their approval. If you act in an ethical manner, and don't spread disease or destroy relationships, your reputation is squeaky clean.

I think this is good advice, and I'm going to listen to it henceforth.

i am a fool.
i am a fool.
i am an idiot and a fool.

I love my friends.
i love my hammock.
i love love love tea.

this weekend's plans:
-Dress Up For No Reason (Girls Pregame @ my place)
-working on Saturday
-Vagina Monologues! (my monologue is "Cootchie Snorcher")
-more drink?
-Church
-Homework
-Playing all weekend.

what do you do when you realize the reason you've been unhappy in relationships
is that you still have feelings for your first love?

what do you do when you're in love, period.
I can hardly remember those feelings at all, I can hardly remember what to do.

this weekend:
5 hours of sleep.
at least 30 beers consumed.
1 traveling party
1 Clint Eastwood movie & 1 Broken Lizard movie
3 breakfast burritos
20 minutes of listening to beating hearts.
1 resumed friendship

awesome life decisions to be had.
last night was incredible,
and cleared up all of what
I've been lacking in the last year.

last night, my friend I'd lost I found again. It took several hours of
blathering drunkenly about how sorry we were,
but I think we're back. thank god.

i do not know how i am still alive right now.
by all accounts I should be dead.

this has been a better, better, best weekend.

win.

so, as my old laptop is caput, I lost about 30 movies that I had stored on my harddrive.
amongst those were some of my favorites: Boondock Saints, Beerfest, etc. It was a huge loss.

eff.

however, I just found my old DVD Case! yes! So I thought I would make a list of movies here.
If anyone wants to watch them, let me know.

1. Giant
2. Return to Paradise
3. Atonement
4. Pi
5. East of Eden
6. Mona Lisa Smile
7. Knocked Up
8. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
9. Big Daddy (don't ask questions)
10. Running With Scissors
11. Transformers
12. Raise Your Voice (again...don't ask questions)
13. TransAmerica
14. Tomb Raider I
15. Tomb Raider II
16. Orange County
17. School Of Rock
18. Man of the Year
19. Rebel Without A Cause
20. Sixteen Candles
21. Finding Nemo
22. The DaVinci Code
23. Finding Nemo
24. The Devil Wears Prada
25. Gone in 60 Seconds
26. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Ani Difranco is performing at HIGHER GROUND!
oh my lord.
i need to get a contingency to Burlington.

in other news...
I do make poor choices,
but people who are not involved in or effected by those choices need to keep their fucking mouths shut. especially if those same people are guilty of the same crime.

there is one person who has every right to talk shit, be mean, yell and scream at me. One. that is the person who was horrendously wronged in this situation. I take full responsibility for my actions. I am sick to my stomach with guilt. That one person has the right to say whatever they want about me.

other people, particularly people who have on a regular basis committed the same offense I have, with NO remorse, and not ONE shred of honesty, don't have any right to say shit. So they should keep that in mind. Stop being a hypocrite.

I apologize for my language. But I'm upset and I'm resisting the urge to punch a bitch in the face.

PLD

if your name is Candy J Smith....
you make bad decisions.
you need to stop doing this.

you should drink more wine, and flirt less.
you should go to church every Sunday.
you should practice climbing knots instead of getting mad at stupid girls who sign up for your trips for no discernible purpose other than to make you so effing miserable.

you should speak up, because if you don't others will.

thoughts for the collective you.

cried all night, till there was nothing more.
what use am I as a heap on the floor?
heaving devotions but it's just no good,
takin it hard just like you knew I would.

old habits die hard.
when you've got a sentimental heart.
piece of the puzzle,
you're my missing part,
what can you do with a sentimental heart.