the caviar and the elephant

updates.

2009-08-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

And so it begins. Another story, this one attempted in an entirely different, far too public forum. I am a writer by blood. By this I mean that I am a reluctant writer, and it took almost 10 years of people telling me that I was a writer for me to acknowledge it myself. This summer, I have ended up on the most peculiar journey, possibly my last solo trek in life.

I am twenty years old, I am a writer. I am an outdoorswoman. I recently completed a summer living in Yellowstone National Park.

Yellowstone has been one of my favorite places since the first time I visited it, five years ago. A year later, I was sixteen, and my family made a return trip. I knew then that I wanted to work here, to live here. I was devastated to find out that you had to be 18 to live here, but it worked out for the better. I ended up going to work at my ABSOLUTE favorite place in the world, where I fell in love with my best friend. A summer camp called Camp Pioneer. That is another story though, for another day.

I am glad that I came here. For the first time in a very long time, I have started on an adventure entirely alone. Even when I moved from Oregon to Vermont two years ago to start school, my parents moved me in to my dorms, and I had met a few people as a prosepective student the previous March, so I wasn't wandering around like a puppy dog.

Being alone is hard for me. To be fair, i have been "alone" for a year and a half, single and free. But I still had my closest friends, so I never really felt alone. I was happy for the first time in years. I had been in a relationship consistantly since I was 15. With different people, but never really on my own. At nineteen/twenty, this was a healthy time for me to be self-sufficient.

I had been truely in love only once in my life, and the boy I loved and I had split up before my move to Vermont. We had been in love since we were 16, and both of us subconciously knew that we needed to separate. When we did, we both tried to be with other people...and to emulate the relationship we had shared with those people, and failed miserably. In March of this year, we gave up the futile fight to be a part, and now, we are blissfully happy together again. Things have fallen into place quite nicely.

My summer at Yellowstone was not what I had expected.

Do not mistake me, it was magestic. I will attest, quite firmly, that Yellowstone is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been in my life. The countless hours I was able to spend in the backcountry completely altered my view of Yellowstone. I knew it was...amazing, but I never knew it could be like that. So perfect. The little lakes and perfect peaks...it was easily the most epic summer of my life.

Conversly, it was one of the most socially exhausting summers of my adult life. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by republicans. I got very lucky with my roommate, Chennery, who was this amazing liberal girl from Colorado, who goes to UPenn. Most of the people in our building were conservative republicans from the deep South, which is not something I know how to deal with. I'm an Oregonian. Republicanism is not a part of my daily life.

I am back in Oregon now, and pleased to be here. It is summer and overcast, and I am home. I am sitting in Tanner's living room, as he is off at work. We are preparing for an epic move to the East coast. We have signed a lease on an apartment, we have slept quite nicely in a twin bed for the last three nights.

I am so excited to start our life together, and to be back in civilization so I can write in my blog and such.

I'll be posting more regularly henceforth.

Lots of Love,

Candy

2009-03-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am totally falling in love with Tanner again.
and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing for me.
but I'm pretty sure that...on a scale from one to ten,
I've made far worse choices.

I need a chance to separate myself from the situation,
to think about it rationally...
but I have yet to find a way to rationally think about Tanner.
I don't think I ever have.
I've really missed him.

I'll be home for Easter, then I guess we'll talk.
:]

2009-02-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

i think i might love the Jonas Brothers.

2009-02-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

i am sick and it sucks.
i want to go to ireland.
i want to not be broke all the time.

this "poor college kid" kick is really getting old.

an excerpt from Natalie Dee, love of my life.

2009-02-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

the following was posted in Natalie Dee's blog on February 10th. I like it and agree with it, so I'm posting it here for your enjoyment.

ASK NATALIE

Q: Where I come from, everyone thinks I'm a whore. And they're pretty much right. My reputation has gone to shit. I do regret what I've done in the past. I was young and stupid. What do you do to fix a reputation like this? I'm in a happy relationship now and I'm planning on never whoring around again. Is my reputation totally down the drain or is there something I could do so people will know I've made a conscious effort to change myself?

A: First off, you're not a whore. You weren't making scratch. Perhaps you were behaving in a slutty manner, but calling yourself a whore is a bit much.

Moving on... It's not anyone else's business what you do in your spare time. If you are not fucking someone, it is not their business who you actually are fucking. As long as you are wrapping it up, and not fucking around on someone you're in a relationship with (or who is a relationship with someone else), who cares. Nobody is talking shit about the dudes you were sleeping with being whores, are they? Acting like people being nosy and judgmental bothers you only makes them keep doing it. Hold your head high and don't let what people say about you behind your back bother you, and they will stop once their shaming doesn't hit the mark.

If people give you shit, a simple "my sex life is none of your motherfucking business" works really well. Everyone knows it's not their business. If they get nosy and you act like you care, it makes them think you are seeking their approval. If you act in an ethical manner, and don't spread disease or destroy relationships, your reputation is squeaky clean.

I think this is good advice, and I'm going to listen to it henceforth.

2009-02-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

i am a fool.
i am a fool.
i am an idiot and a fool.

I love my friends.
i love my hammock.
i love love love tea.

this weekend's plans:
-Dress Up For No Reason (Girls Pregame @ my place)
-working on Saturday
-Vagina Monologues! (my monologue is "Cootchie Snorcher")
-more drink?
-Church
-Homework
-Playing all weekend.

2009-02-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

what do you do when you realize the reason you've been unhappy in relationships
is that you still have feelings for your first love?

what do you do when you're in love, period.
I can hardly remember those feelings at all, I can hardly remember what to do.

2009-02-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

this weekend:
5 hours of sleep.
at least 30 beers consumed.
1 traveling party
1 Clint Eastwood movie & 1 Broken Lizard movie
3 breakfast burritos
20 minutes of listening to beating hearts.
1 resumed friendship

awesome life decisions to be had.
last night was incredible,
and cleared up all of what
I've been lacking in the last year.

last night, my friend I'd lost I found again. It took several hours of
blathering drunkenly about how sorry we were,
but I think we're back. thank god.

i do not know how i am still alive right now.
by all accounts I should be dead.

this has been a better, better, best weekend.

win.

2009-02-03T18:25:00.000-08:00

so, as my old laptop is caput, I lost about 30 movies that I had stored on my harddrive.
amongst those were some of my favorites: Boondock Saints, Beerfest, etc. It was a huge loss.

eff.

however, I just found my old DVD Case! yes! So I thought I would make a list of movies here.
If anyone wants to watch them, let me know.

Giant
Return to Paradise
Atonement
Pi
East of Eden
Mona Lisa Smile
Knocked Up
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Big Daddy (don't ask questions)
Running With Scissors
Transformers
Raise Your Voice (again...don't ask questions)
TransAmerica
Tomb Raider I
Tomb Raider II
Orange County
School Of Rock
Man of the Year
Rebel Without A Cause
Sixteen Candles
Finding Nemo
The DaVinci Code
Finding Nemo
The Devil Wears Prada
Gone in 60 Seconds
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

2009-02-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

Ani Difranco is performing at HIGHER GROUND!
oh my lord.
i need to get a contingency to Burlington.

in other news...
I do make poor choices,
but people who are not involved in or effected by those choices need to keep their fucking mouths shut. especially if those same people are guilty of the same crime.

there is one person who has every right to talk shit, be mean, yell and scream at me. One. that is the person who was horrendously wronged in this situation. I take full responsibility for my actions. I am sick to my stomach with guilt. That one person has the right to say whatever they want about me.

other people, particularly people who have on a regular basis committed the same offense I have, with NO remorse, and not ONE shred of honesty, don't have any right to say shit. So they should keep that in mind. Stop being a hypocrite.

I apologize for my language. But I'm upset and I'm resisting the urge to punch a bitch in the face.

PLD

2009-02-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

if your name is Candy J Smith....
you make bad decisions.
you need to stop doing this.

you should drink more wine, and flirt less.
you should go to church every Sunday.
you should practice climbing knots instead of getting mad at stupid girls who sign up for your trips for no discernible purpose other than to make you so effing miserable.

you should speak up, because if you don't others will.

thoughts for the collective you.

2009-01-22T04:43:00.001-08:00

cried all night, till there was nothing more.
what use am I as a heap on the floor?
heaving devotions but it's just no good,
takin it hard just like you knew I would.

old habits die hard.
when you've got a sentimental heart.
piece of the puzzle,
you're my missing part,
what can you do with a sentimental heart.

the people of 2008

2008-12-14T21:45:00.000-08:00

inspired as i ever am by Barbara Walters, I've been thinking a lot about the past year, and who MY most amazing people of 2008 were. There have been a lot of people in my life, and I want to thank everyone, even those I may not write about directly, for the profound influence you have had on me in the past year. And now to the list.

Caroline Marie Beranek: As always, you are my best friend and my world. You are there for me no matter what. We both are stubborn and stupid, but most importantly, we love eachother. I'd be lost without you, girl.
Stacey Bushey: I am so grateful that you have become my friend this year. You are a rock in my life, more than I think you'll ever know. You're amazing, and I love you.
Brianna McGarril: You are one of the most genuine people I've ever met. Having you in my life has been the most amazing thing ever.
Laura Elizabeth Maki: YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. You are my roommate (basically for life), and you know me way to well. Thank you for always being there, and for always being honest with me.
Rachel Worrell: You are possibly the nicest human being I have ever known. You give so much of yourself to everyone, and I thank you so much for that.
Chris Ricker: You know. You know. We are both assholes, but you lift me up when I'm feeling down, and for that I thank you always.
Derek Gavelis: Despite everything, I thank you for what you've done. I'm my own person now, more than I was before. You are a good man, and I will always stand by that.
Lauren Laws: Astwo. You got me through the summer, and you are a light in my life. I love you girl.
Jack Pennington: I miss you. You shaped my year in more ways than I think I will ever realize on my own. You left a wake, baby.
John Gaeddert: I love you kid. There is no one in the world I would rather read Bukowski and watch James Dean with. You're one of the most insightful human beings I've ever met, and I'm lucky to know you.
Ukiah Pearson: Whoooah buddy. I miss you too. It seems like our lives are getting hectic and we're becoming grown ups. But our paths will cross again soon, and we'll have ridiculous times again.
Jeff & Edgar: While you each hold a special place in my heart, I can't think of one of you with out the other. You two are magical, and you give me faith in men. You are the best. Period.
Joshy: Let's go streaking?
Melissa Theil-Stenson: Moose. You are my hero.

there are many people in my life that I didn't mention, not because I don't love you, just because the words aren't as easy to write as I thought they would be. I love you all always, thank you for everything.

here's to 2009?

----------------
Now playing: Feist - Mushaboom
via FoxyTunes

impending winter

2008-12-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

it's been a long semester.
the good has been fucking phenomenal,
but the bad has been in proportion.
i need a break from the east for a while.
there are so many people here that i love, which makes going home hard, cause i miss them constantly.

but i miss home. & caroline & my family & my pups & everything.

ten days till oregon.

2008-11-25T06:44:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that matter to me as a human.
particularly other people, and how they affect me.
I've become a really strange person over the last year, and I'm not so sure how I feel about myself.

it's like I'm a washed out version of who I used to be.
a lot of fake happiness and over enthusiasm that masks a lot of ridiculously touchy-feely behaviour that I have no clue how to deal with.

i hate to be an asshole, but i feel like I can blame most of this confusion on a few choice people in my life who completely confound me with their cruelty.

i need to break out.
i need a break.

off to Long Island for Thanksgiving with Brianna & Co. I'm pretty much stoked.

----------------
Now playing: Dropkick Murphys - The Gang's All Here
via FoxyTunes

twenty

2008-11-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

twenty.
what?

th0ughts from my birthday:

make friends with franzia.

"John Steel in Cocks Among the Mayflowers."-brianna
"always, she's asking questions, perhaps?"-edgar
"nine, bust a rhyme. and i must say i do love rhyming."-candy
"the balls in the eyes isn't so bad. it's like when you go to the spa and they give you cucumbers"-brianna

i love my friends. so much.

2008-11-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

thoughts before bed.

it's snowing outside. farewell for the season, canvas shoes.
i love laura.
i'm pumped for thanksgiving.

i love beer art. [my calling? perhaps]

sleep now.

2008-11-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

exhausted, and very much looking forward to the weekend.

gangsta party tonight. :)

Leave No Trace Awareness Workshop on the farm [I'm teaching people how to poop in the woods]

speaking at 3 churches about the ecumenical youth group program that I'm spearheading.
oh my!

Oh, and doing homework or something.
frick.

2008-11-13T05:31:00.000-08:00

i need to stop being such an abysmal slacker.

2008-11-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just want to curl up into a ball and fade away.
things are good, so good.
my friends are amazing.

i'm just tired of feeling lonely.
i think i just want someone to hold me again.
hm.

these are not thoughts that i want to have.

----------------
Now playing: The Format - On Your Porch
via FoxyTunes

november.

2008-11-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

this weekend has taught me many things,
particularly things that
i will never do again.

i need to be better for myself.

yup.

50 Things that bring me joy

2008-11-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

1. Tea
2. Being Warm
3. Bean and cheese burritos with guacamole
4. Quidditch
5. Climbing things
6. Pine Trees
7. Stars
8. Camp songs
9. Spending time with Caroline
10. Mac & Cheese
11. Kool-Aid Shots
12. Gilmore Girls
13. Baking
14. Asofterworld.com
15. Outdoor Recreating
16. Basket-making
17. things that are green
18. kurt halsey
19. tattoos
20. Polaroid pictures
21. Mail
22. Males
23. William Faulkner
24. Ginger Peach Tea in particular
25. Birthday Cake
26. flannel
27. old spice
28. going out on dates
29. profanity
30. Brianna Regan McGarril
31. Cuddling
32. country songs
33. sleeping outside
34. hammocks
35. Magic Hat no. 9
36. the state of Oregon
37. kissing people on the cheek
38. my baby brother.
39. Sunday School
40. saying the rosary
41. making things
42. puddles, the kind you jump in
43. building campfires
44. rain
45. learning new things
46. typewriters
47. girly climbing gear
48. mountains
49. family
50. my friends

Yes We Can!

2008-11-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

it is official:

my suspicions were correct: Barack Obama is the new president. 338-155..wow. George Bush has been in office since I was 12 years old. Finally, I am able to have faith in my government, proud of my nation. I will not have to put a canadian flag on my backpack when I travel around Europe. I have never been happier in my life. I have spent the last hour dancing, laughing, screaming, singing, and hugging. I feel so alive.

As Caroline and I discussed: Moving out of the country is a choice now, not an obligation.

John McCain gave the classiest concession speech I have ever heard. He was gracious, eloquent...he was human in a capacity I wish he would have been during the last several months of this election.

"I wish godspeed ot the man who was my former opoponent and will be my president." Then he asked his countrymen "to not despair of our difficulties but to always believe in the promise of America.
-http://blogs.tnr.com/tnr/blogs/the_plank/archive/2008/11/04/mccain-s-concession-speech.aspx

I can still here screaming crowds, battle horns, and bongo music on the other side of campus. Streakers just ran past my window. And now I go to sleep, and I will sleep easy.

2008-11-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

It is 10:10pm.
I am fairly confident that I can call the election right now.

Barack Hussein Obama will be the 44th president of the United States.
He has 206 electoral votes, and is going to win the West Coast.
I have never been more proud to be an American Citizen.

He is the hope I've been waiting for. Our first African American President.

I am so alive right now, I can taste it.
As soon as CNN calls it, I will be a happy cat.

2008-11-04T16:05:00.001-08:00

They just called Vermont.
Obama, all the way.
Gotta love my #2 state.

Election Day

2008-11-04T04:02:00.000-08:00

I have just woken up.
Today is Election Day, Nov. 4th.
and I am a little bit nervous.

I have always been politically active, but this is my first election. I voted for Barack Hussein Obama. I hope he becomes our president.

As we go through the day today, I am praying and hoping that Barack does become the president of our nation, because...well...the alternative terrifies me.

During this next presidential term, I will progress further into my adult life. I want change in this country-so I can know that it is safe for me to begin raising children and starting a family. In a nation without war, in a nation free from prejudice, in a nation that cares about the earth. Now, I'm not planning on popping out kids as soon as Obama takes office, but...I guess my own adult life is looming on the horizon, it's tangible now. The results of this election will have a significant impact on how that adult life plays out.

ugh. Off to work.

2008-10-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

last night was really wonderful.
cuddled with Brianna and Revill ( i would include Jeff, but he's an abusive cuddler).
It was good to be warm, and feel comfortable and loved.

Brianna and I are getting tattoos together over Thanksgiving break in Long Island.
Tattoo #2-I am so ready for this.
yes indeed.

I need to be closer to Caroline.
I miss her too much, all the time. I just think we'd both be happier people if there weren't 3000 miles between us.

I want to see everything and do everything and taste everything.
I need to get the sweetest summer job ever.
I need to be in Oregon this summer, as much as it pains me.
I need to get a car, and a house, and I need my dog.
I need to be an adult.
all at once and right now.

2008-10-27T07:01:00.001-07:00

the biggest flaw of the maple syrup state:

i am too far away from a decent burrito restaurant.
i need to get to California.
and fast.

2008-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

dear vermont:
while i am not a fan of being cold...you are wonderful.
thank you for magic hat.

<3-the drunk formerly known as candy jean.

2008-10-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

open the eyes of my heart lord,
open the eyes of my heart,
help me to see you,
help me to see you.

see you high and lifted up.
shining in the light of your glory,
pour out your power and love,
as we sing holy, holy holy...

somehow i've become responsible for the spirtual development of the youth of this town.
god, grant me strength.

the last time i put my past in a box, i threw it away.

2008-10-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

i let go a long time ago,
why is she still holding on?

let it all run off my back-okay.

new words, old thoughts

2008-10-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

"you get what you get, so don't throw a fit."
everything I've ever wanted is all coming together in a mystical way.
i just need to keep it all together, and keep the bottom from dropping out.
don't fold to the pressure, smith.
man-up.

coffeehouse bandit.